The Unforgiveable Social Sin
At the end of this blog reading, you may say to yourself..."She's single, she doesn't know anything about it. You'll see, it will change when she's put in that scenario." And to you I must bluntly say, "Grow up."
It is ever so apparent to me that I am caught in the middle of what Brian Simmons (in his Family class) would call the "Marriage Squeeze." Simply put, the marriage squeeze is the idea that a certain people group feels (and feels correctly) that there is no one of the opposite sex in their same people group worth their time, trouble, and affection in the process of finding a suitable marriage partner. Statistically speaking, church of Christ females in the United States within the college age bracket are in a marriage squeeze (because there are more single females in this group than acceptable males who are still single).
With this information fresh in my mind, I look at my surroundings and I really have to ask, "Are you stinkin' kidding me???" I see young men and women (CHRISTIAN young men and women) distorting and sculpting themselves into unrecognizable molds so that they will gain the attention and affection of the opposite sex. Is there such a desperation for marriage that people are willing to change their entire beings to find someone? Is the fear of being alone so great that you compromise everything you once held dear?
This is where my bias comes in hardcore. I am so tired of losing perfectly good friends once they have added the title "boyfriend/girlfriend" to their social resumes. Is there some unwritten, unspoken law that says once you find yourself in a relationship you have to forsake all those you once knew, and spend time ONLY with your significant other? Is the worth of your new found relationship equivalent to the cost of the people in your life you once cherished as friends?
Please do not get me wrong, I am not saying that I stop being friends with people when they get into a relationship. What I am saying is that once people get into a relationship, the trend is that they burn all bridges leading back to their previous social circle, never to be heard from again. My next question is, "When you break up with your significant other, who do you turn to?" I mean, you've already burned the bridges to your former friends. This is something that I struggle with. I don't believe that I am so petty that I would never forgive a friend who has done this to me. I would truly love it if some of my friends came back. But there will forever be a tension in knowing that something so temporary had the ability to replace me so quickly.
Now it's time for some application. I never want to become one of those people who complains about something only to one day turn into the very thing that she once complained about. So...please, as my friends, slap my wrist and shave me bald if I ever a.) become a person so fluid in the concept of myself that I have to change the very essence of my being to please the opposite sex, or b.) let a man into my life who is not strong enough to hold true to who he knows himself to be just to be with me. Any relationship that I may choose to pursue now or anytime in the future will consist of what I would like to call maturity and a mutual appreciation/respect for the individuals involved.
I've made a lot of very bold statements in this blog (which I usually try to stay away from), but this has really struck an emotional chord inside me and I needed to get it out. Feel free to agree/disagree. I would love to hear some input.
It is ever so apparent to me that I am caught in the middle of what Brian Simmons (in his Family class) would call the "Marriage Squeeze." Simply put, the marriage squeeze is the idea that a certain people group feels (and feels correctly) that there is no one of the opposite sex in their same people group worth their time, trouble, and affection in the process of finding a suitable marriage partner. Statistically speaking, church of Christ females in the United States within the college age bracket are in a marriage squeeze (because there are more single females in this group than acceptable males who are still single).
With this information fresh in my mind, I look at my surroundings and I really have to ask, "Are you stinkin' kidding me???" I see young men and women (CHRISTIAN young men and women) distorting and sculpting themselves into unrecognizable molds so that they will gain the attention and affection of the opposite sex. Is there such a desperation for marriage that people are willing to change their entire beings to find someone? Is the fear of being alone so great that you compromise everything you once held dear?
This is where my bias comes in hardcore. I am so tired of losing perfectly good friends once they have added the title "boyfriend/girlfriend" to their social resumes. Is there some unwritten, unspoken law that says once you find yourself in a relationship you have to forsake all those you once knew, and spend time ONLY with your significant other? Is the worth of your new found relationship equivalent to the cost of the people in your life you once cherished as friends?
Please do not get me wrong, I am not saying that I stop being friends with people when they get into a relationship. What I am saying is that once people get into a relationship, the trend is that they burn all bridges leading back to their previous social circle, never to be heard from again. My next question is, "When you break up with your significant other, who do you turn to?" I mean, you've already burned the bridges to your former friends. This is something that I struggle with. I don't believe that I am so petty that I would never forgive a friend who has done this to me. I would truly love it if some of my friends came back. But there will forever be a tension in knowing that something so temporary had the ability to replace me so quickly.
Now it's time for some application. I never want to become one of those people who complains about something only to one day turn into the very thing that she once complained about. So...please, as my friends, slap my wrist and shave me bald if I ever a.) become a person so fluid in the concept of myself that I have to change the very essence of my being to please the opposite sex, or b.) let a man into my life who is not strong enough to hold true to who he knows himself to be just to be with me. Any relationship that I may choose to pursue now or anytime in the future will consist of what I would like to call maturity and a mutual appreciation/respect for the individuals involved.
I've made a lot of very bold statements in this blog (which I usually try to stay away from), but this has really struck an emotional chord inside me and I needed to get it out. Feel free to agree/disagree. I would love to hear some input.
Good Lord my dear friend, I could not agree with you more, as someone who has lost many friends, most of them the same as you, to this particualr affliction. It is so annoying to see my perfectly wonderful friends gets so (seemingly) desperate and lonely that htey have to morph themselves into something they so profusely loathed before they met their current significant lover...the really sad part is that they think they will find marital bliss in this and most likely will because over time they will have denied their real selves long enough that it's a concept that becomes lost.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1/28/2005 12:03 AM
AMEN!
I mean... can I even speak? I WAS the worst perpetrator of this in world history!
I use the word "WAS" for more than one reason. The first, obviously, I'm no longer entangled into something that had tangled me into something unrecognizable. The second is that my world record has been blown. I have a good friend who has done this to her friends... and you know how it is... the whole ignoring... constant petting... at least she doesn't talk about him continually when he's not there (but he's usually there... and she's really sad when he's not).
Relationships that don't allow any other relationships are UNHEALTHY! I think it's a sign of weakness- they're trying to compensate for some kind of security they don't have.
Anyway... you DO know something about it. It may have been some "bold statements" but you're not saying anything most people wouldn't agree with.
Then again... I'm here and you're... there. ;-)
Thanks for enabling the anonymous comments and giving me a shout-out on your away message!
Have a fabulous day!
Lauren
Posted by
Anonymous |
1/28/2005 11:04 AM
Are you anonymous because you don't have a blog? I was starting to wonder why be anonymous and then post your name! Anywho...
Good stuff Christi. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I was uninterested in dating in college, for fear of losing my other friends, or simply because I found no one else interesting enough or captivating enough to even try. Brian Simmons called me wise once in class. It embarassed me, but I'm not sure if this was why he said it or not. I think it was because he saw all these 18 year olds looking for "the one" and I was 20-21 and not even looking. It's not because I couldn't, but because that was not as important to me as my education and God.
So on behalf of the males (and especially those at Cascade College) I say first that I am sorry, and second to be patient. Those not worth waiting for are usually the ones openly available and those worth waiting for are probably not putting a relationship with a female at the fore of their brains. They are just preparing themselves for ministry and their future wife. This could be YOU! *points finger in Uncle Sam fashion*
Posted by
Tim |
1/29/2005 12:15 PM
I've heard comments like this from a lot of girls through school, but I guess I just didn't know a lot of people where this kind of thing was a problem. All of my friends for the most part went on and off the dating bandwagon, but for the most part, it wasn't disruptive to the whole social atmosphere. We didn't see a lot of what you are talking about (people dramtically changing who they were to please someone else). In every relationship, time and energy are taken up with romantic pursuits and there is always a shift in personality with a relationship, since certain things are emphasized and there is always an amount of "peacocking" to accentuate the positive and hide the negative. But, for the most part, that mostly happened in private. Not sure why this is so different between different groups..?
Posted by
everyday.wonder |
1/29/2005 12:45 PM
Lauren, you're amazing...I'm sorry that you are dealing with this down at P-dine.
Thanks Tim, I appreciate your comments!!! I agree with Brian, you are very wise.
As far as Jason...
I don't know if you are referring to your time in college spent at Oregon State or not, but if that is the case...maybe I can offer a little more insight (all stemming from my one semester in The Family class...Brian has ruined me).
The trend which I speak of is predominately a Christian thing, sadly enough. There is such a push in Christian circles for marriage that one is seen as deviant if they do not get hitched by the time they're, oh, y'know...22. This is true for men and women.
However, being a woman worsens the situation. I don't know how many times I've heard from my mother and grandmother, "Oh, you'll understand when you're married." It's almost as if I won't become a real woman until I am married...making marriage the official rite of passage for Christian young ladies.
*Epiphany* I just become very aware that this posting and reply makes me sound very much like an anti-marriage, crazed, feminist fanatic.
That couldn't be farther from the truth...just to let everyone know. I'm actually quite girlie when it comes to the whole marriage issue.
I say all of this randomness just to say...
Don't change who are. Be confident in the person that God created you to be. Don't let some schmo (boy or girl) dictate to you who you ought to become.
Posted by
Christi |
1/29/2005 11:53 PM